xXx (2002)

(Release Date: 9 August 2002)

2.5 Stars... he's no James Bond!!!1/2

A Bond for the new Millenium? Well, maybe a Moonraker for the new Millenium!

Note: Because J.C. Mašek III was off seeing the Etta James Concert he wasn't available to review this film!
In his stead we have enlisted the aid of Chet and Brad from local College band Angry Baboon


Brad: Dude, you'll never guess what I watched last night?

Chet: What's that?

Brad: xXx, dude!

Chet: "Triple X?" Is that the Wendy Whoppers movie where she and Peter North-

Brad: Uh, no, man! That's what I thought too, that's why I paid for the Pay Per View, but it wasn't that... it was that action film with that Vin Deisel guy!

Chet: You mean that kid from Good Will Hunting?

Brad: No, it's that guy from The Fast and the Furious and Pitch Bla--

Chet: Yeah, I know, i was messing with you! He was in Saving Private Ryan too!

Brad: Yeah, and he was the voice of the Iron Giant in The Iron Giant!

Chet: That was him?

Brad: Yeah!

Chet: That movie rocked, dude!

Brad: Totally, dude, but his films have been going downhill lately!

Chet: Yeah The Fast and the Furious was kind of fun to watch... you know... drunk!

Brad: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

Chet: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD! So anyway, how was it, man?

Brad: It sucked!

Chet: Seriously?

Brad: Totally!

Chet: But dude, what's with all the promotions about this being the "James Bond" of the New Millenium?

Brad: Everyone was on that horse, dude... remember that issue of Entertainment Weekly you loaned me?

Chet: Totally, it was all Dissing 007 and spouting off about how Vin was going to be this super spy to replace all super spies!

Brad: Uh-huh!

Chet: Well, is he? I mean, how does he rate as a career secret agent, player?

Brad: Dude, he isn't! I mean, if James Bond is all about catch phrases and lame sound bites and goofy extreme sports, then yeah he's the next James Bond! Dude, let me tell you! This goober... he's not even a secret agent he's like this total underground internet stunt dude who has a cult following because he likes to... I don't know, dude... like wreck some Senator's cars or something!

Chet: Really? That's it?

Brad: Just about!

Chet: Sounds like a political Johnny Knoxville without the Steve-o!

Brad: Well, he's a Jackass all right, but no, he's not even political, dude... that's just like some plot point to get him tangled with the US Government!

Chet: Oh, yeah? That sounds cool... so they find out he has some secret agent background and they hire him?

Brad: Yeah right? They put him through some weak-ass tests that one of the Goonies could have not only seen right through but passed and then said "Cool, now you're not Mr. X-Games, you're Mister Bond!"

Chet: Really? That's it?

Brad: Just about! It was Samuel L. Jackson too!

Chet: Who was?

Brad: Oh, this government dude who recruits him. Must watch too much MTV and ESPN!

Chet: That was him? He looked like shit in the previews!

Brad: Totally... he was scarred somehow, probably reveal it in the second movie!

Chet: Yeah, he looked like Mel Gibson in that one movie... wait... there's a second one?

Brad: Oh, yeah! They were so sure people would see it they're already working the Franchise angle!

Chet: Guess he doesn't die in the end!

Brad: Nope... but he should have died in the beginning... you like him that much! I mean, that's part of it... this guy, his name is supposed to be "Xander Cage" all right? Okay, so they call him X and he has three magic marker X's on the back of his neck, which made me hate him even more... but you know... Samuel L. Jackson's character calls him "Tripple X!" Totally Original, no?
Anyway, you never once figure out why you're supposed to root for him... I mean, look, he spends the whole movie strutting around like he owns the world doing impossible and lamely computer animated stunts and then he ends up with all these hot chicks and some major bank. I mean, home dude isn't Bond... he looks more like the Banjo Player from Deliverance on steroids!

Chet: Ha ha ha! Good one!

Brad: Word, bitch! Anyway, he gets sent to Prague or somewhere pathetic like that!

Chet: Dude, I'm half Czech!

Brad: Oh... maybe it was Switzerland then... I can't remember...

Chet: Oh, Okay then!

Brad: He manages to fool everybody because European gangster-terrorists must be morons!

Chet: Guess so!

Brad: Yeah, anyway, these are a whole bunch of cyber-geeks like working on getting some nasty weapons together for this geek terrorist group called Anarchy '99!

Chet: Dude... didn't we open for that band one time?

Brad: Um... Naw, man, I think that was "Anarchy 69!"

Chet: Oh, yeah! They sucked!

Brad: Totally! Yeah, it does sound like a Punk Band or something... Come to think of it they even quote a Replacements song... maybe they were a Punk Band and I just fell asleep and thought it was about terrorism? No, wait there was the killer submarine!

Chet: A Submarine?

Brad: Oh, yeah, it was so Austin Powers! This thing, it's supposed to deliver chemical weapons to various cities to kill people for no real reason besides anarchy... but here's the thing... even though they Say it's supposed to be all stealthy and and crap, the thing never submerges... so when this Xander kid goes looking for it he just looks in the river and is all "I've got a visual!"

Chet: Dude... that's so lame! That's like Moonraker-lame! Totally!

Brad: Yeah, I mean, what's the worst ever James Bond movie?

Chet: Totally Moonraker, dog!

Brad: Yeah, dog, so why would they rip that one off?

Chet: Is that the only one they ripped off?

Brad: Hell, no, man! They ripped off every Bond movie except Casino Royale!

Chet: That one sucked!

Brad: Well, yeah! Woody Allen as a Bond-Villain! It sort of...

Chet: ... fits!

Brad: Actually, yeah, dog!

Chet: But go ahead, that's a review for another time!

Brad: Word! Yeah, well, it's funny, they seemed like they were so damned serious about replacing James Bond that they actually rip off Bond every chance they get... I mean, it's bad, it's like all the classic elements are exploited like an 18 year old nude model!

Chet: The womanizing?

Brad: Check!

Chet: The Cars?

Brad: Missles behind the lights, dude!

Chet: No!

Brad: Yeah!

Chet: The gadgets?

Brad: Word! They like totally even had a bumbling rip off of the character Q from Bond even! Same guy only an American!

Chet: Gives us a bad name! What about a snow chase?

Brad: Dude, even that! I mean, it is supposed to be extreme, so he's like on a snowboard instead of skis, but yeah, we saw that in like twelve Bond flicks!

Chet: Sounds more like Point Break

Brad: But of course you have an extreme sporting event every five seconds too! I mean it's like a requirement... like you have to blow something up after a few minutes, or someone has to skate down a set of stairs or something, or some chick has to get naked!

Chet: That's what I'm talking about! Any good nudity?

Brad: Hell no... there was nothing... as hot as the girls are, there isn't even a nip slip!

Chet: DUDE!

Brad: I know huh? Anyway, okay, so this is like total Bond formula without bond but with some Extreme sporting... I mean it was a little fun to watch but it got old just seeing his bald ass head!

Chet: What about the catch lines?

Brad: Oh, dude so lame! It was like they couldn't decide what would work best on a lunch box so they made every other line a silly Hollywood line! I mean they did all they could to separate him from the other recruits, but it didn't make him look any cooler... I mean, he did yell out things like "I live for this shit!" but who's impressed?

Chet: Not me, man!

Brad: Me neither!

Chet: So it was a total DOG, dog?

Brad: Well, I mean, it was kind of fun sometimes, but it wasn't worth watching again and again... Sort of like Moonraker I guess!

Chet: Yeah? What was good?

Brad: Um...

Chet: Come on man!

Brad: Okay, the chick who played the sort of love interest named Yelena... anyway, the actress was Asia Argento!

Chet: Hottie?

Brad: Totally! So hot! Not a bad actress either, and she was so hot...

Chet: How was Samuel L. Jackson?

Brad: Not so hot!

Chet: Man...

Brad: Ha ha ha! I mean he was okay, and all, but it's not his best work... Sort of like his part in that movie Kiss of Death!

Chet: Didn't see it?

Brad: Oh, no?

Chet: No, I hate David Caruso!

Brad: Yeah, me too!

Chet: Anything else good?

Brad: Well, occasionally, old Vin does show some two dimensional acting there!

Chet: This is a good thing?

Brad: Well mostly he and his part are pretty unbelieveable and one dimensional, so even a second is good. Usually this surrounds Yelena, and we can see why!

Chet: Seriously, she's hot but what does she look like?

Brad: Um... remember Sabrina Harrington from 10th grade Math class?

Chet: That Goth chick?

Brad: Yeah!

Chet: Oh, yeah, she was hot!

Brad: Totally!

Chet: So it was basically, what a Bad James Bond film with some bad acting, and lots of ESPN X-Games crap!

Brad: Plus the hot chick and lots of weak catch lines!

Chet: Really? That's it?

Brad: Just about! I mean it was like the same Director and Star as The Fast and the Furious so, you know... really much of the same crap!

Chet: Dude, that sucks!

Brad: Totally! But, I'm thinking that a Vin Diesel/ Rob Cohen drinking game is just around the corner!

Chet: Word, bitch, drinking games like a muh-fuh! So, what would you rate xXx?

Brad: Um... Let's give it Two and one half stars!

Chet: Really? Why?

Brad: Well, it got a little exciting sometimes if you squinted and payed only attention to the decent CGI, so much of it sucked.

Chet: Damn!

Brad: Exactly!

Chet: Okay, then... at least it wasn't Moonraker!

Brad: Well, it almost was... I mean this was the first one, and it sucked... Imagine, if people liked it we might be dealing with a whole series of Moonrakers!

Chet: Dude, I couldn't bear that!

Brad: No, way, but it's scary enough to write a song about!

Chet: Race you to practice!

Brad: You're on!

Chet:Whatever!

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xXx (2002) reviewed by J.C. Mašek III who is responsible for his own opinions and... for his pants!
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