Trenton Krow Versus The Mad Doctor

	Krow walked into the secretary's work area and said "Yo!". He and the Chief's
secretary Miss HalfPenny had always shared a playfully flirtatious relationship. "Y'know,
you really look hot!" the thoughtful Trenton Krow said, keeping with tradition.   
	Obviously astounded by Krow's remarkable prowess with the rapier wit, Miss
HalfPenny replied "Ah, but they don't make Special Agents like they used to."
	"Thanks..." Krow said feeling complemented, " but I'm actually a semi-effectual
super cop from Shreveport.”
	"Figures." responded the clearly awe stricken HalfPenny.
	"Hey Trenton!", came a familiar voice from behind him.
	Krow gracefully spun around at the sound of the friendly voice and produced the
mother of all Magnums (as he was known for being prepared for just such situations),
before noticing that the friendly voice belonged, indeed, to (drumroll) a friend.
	"Hey, Weaz!" Responded Krow, a little embarrassed.
	"How's my favorite Irish cop raised by Sioux Indians, and heir to the Japanese
Ashikaji family's millions?" asked Le Weaz.
	"Oh, can't complain. What're you doing here?" implored the ever quizzical Krow.
	"I just wanted to make a cameo in another one of your cheesy police detective
stories... Bye!", and with that Le Weaz vanished quicker than Mark Hamill's career.
	"Chief Bloodstone will see you now, Krow." said Miss HalfPenny, obviously
hiding the excitement in her voice. "By the way is that a Magnum?"
	"No, actually, I'm just glad to see you." Krow said with a snicker, because dammit,
that was funny! Interestingly enough Miss HalfPenny's laughter sounded an awful lot like
an annoyed moan. "Thanks HalfPenny!"
	Krow entered the Chief's office just as the Chief himself was doctoring his coffee
to just the right shade of pale. "Hello Krow," the Chief said lighting a cigarette, "can I
offer you some coffee or a cigarette?"
	"Sure, thanks!" Krow said and took the lit cigarette from the Chief's mouth and the
steaming cup from the Chief's hand. The Chief was a real prince when he wanted to be.
	"Right." said the Chief turning to make himself a cup. "Anyway, how's my favorite
	"Well I'm doing great, Chief, how 'bout you?"
	"What the hell do you mean 'I'm doing great'? You're not my favorite detective, Le
Weaz is my favorite detective... didn't you just see him?"
	"O-oh, yeah, he's doing great." Krow said to the man who was nothing like a
father to him. "So what do you need, boss?"
	"Well, I'm sending you on assignment to Brash Falls to pull a super-secret covert
mission to save a whole slew of hostages, and maybe even the world from a really nasty
super villain."
	"No." said Krow in disbelief.
	"Yep!" said the Chief. 
	"But why send me on some super-secret covert mission? I'm just a semi-effectual
super cop from Shreveport, sounds like you need a really cool spy."
	"Krow," the Chief said placing a hand on the cop's shoulder, "you're a fictional
character, where's your suspension of disbelief?"
	"Well, you got a point there, Joe!"
	"'Joe'?", the angry Chief demanded.
	"Hey, you're  a fictional character, don't get so uptight. So anyway, who am I up
against?", asked Krow with some genuine interest, for a change.
	"You'll be up against Doctor I-dont-think-so, and all his evil henchmen."
	"Doctor I-dont-think-so? Never heard of him, who's he?"
	"You've heard of Dr. No?"
	"Well, he's alot like Dr. No only he's not NEARLY as decisive."
	"Oh.", said Krow with a wrinkled brow, "What about the hostages?"
	"Doctor I-dont-think-so has kidnapped a big group of congressmen and is
threatening to splice their DNA with that of a big fat Elvis Impersonator in order to make
his own form of super soldier." The Chief informed the stunned Krow.
	"That's SICK! But it does sound a trifle innocuous, I mean, where's the real
	"Um, well there are many Elvis impersonators at stake here, and, dammit, Vegas
needs their headliners, Liza just can't cut it forever." 
	"But Chief, it sounds like any second rate putz could pull this job off!" Krow said
with a tad of confusion.
	"We knew you'd see it our way, Trenton!", The Chief said with a million dollar
	Krow was about to give him some change back, when suddenly, without warning,
in a dramatic moment Miss HalfPenny entered carrying a big basket of assorted fruit for
the Chief. 
	"It's from Don Corleone." said HalfPenny, "he sends his best regards, this fruit
basket, and a 1997 Ferrari which is parked out front."
	Krow envied the Chief in some ways. Tax payers were always sending him gifts
like this as thanks for his honest work.
	"Thank you Miss HalfPenny," the Chief said, "and if he calls tell him I haven’t
found that warrant yet."
	"Right." responded the secretary.
	"HalfPenny," started Krow, "when're you gonna let me take you away from all
	HalfPenny, obviously flattered replied "You know, Krow, between your red
copper wire goatee, your matching longish hair, your penchant for wanton violence,  your
twelve dollar solid black Armani rip-off suits, and the fact that you wear those black
aviator sunglasses 24 -7, sometimes I wonder how I could ever refuse."
	"You do understand me!" said Krow.
	Without a word the love stricken HalfPenny picked up a banana from the basket
and shoved it with mock harshness into poor Krow's ear. HalfPenny was as generous as
the Chief at times.
	"Krow, get down to the special weapons unit to be outfitted with your new car."
The Chief said bringing Krow back to stark reality.
	"Shreveport has a special weapons unit?", asked the stunned Krow.
	"For the sake of this story, yes we'll pretend that it does."
	"So what kind of special weapon car do I get?"
	"A beat-up, red, 1988 Mustang." the Chief said flatly.
	"And there are like missiles behind the headlights?"
	"No, it's just a beat-up, red '88 Mustang."
	"Ejector seat? Armor plating?"
	"What do you think? You think you’re James Bond? You get a beat-up, red
Mustang. That's all it is, just a car we towed from the airport after some angry youth was
rude to a red cap because of his own personal problems."
	"Hey, didn't I read about that?" Krow asked shamelessly.
	"Well if you didn't... you should!" the Chief said with equal audacity, "Now get
going you bum, Milton Berle has a show tonight you've got Vegas to think of, now!"
	Krow turned and walked toward the door.
	"Oh, and Krow," said the Chief, "as usual, if you mess this one up it'll mean your
	Krow responded "I can not hear you, Chief, I have got a banana in my ear!" At this
Krow had to laugh, it was funny because it was TRUE!

	After correcting the left turn he had made at Albuquerque, Shreveport's premier
supercop Trenton Krow found himself on the beach at Brash Falls, which was strange
seeing as how Brash falls was land locked (and in a dry county at that), but being fictional
and therefor unverifiable, Brash Falls could really be anything so Krow really didn't feel
that he should question it. Besides, there was a whole slew of Elvises in there who, quite
frankly, needed his help.
	So quicker than you could recite  A Tale of Two Cities  from memory three times,
backwards, while you're drunk, our hero was racing toward the secret hideout of Dr.
I-dont-think-so. Thankfully there were several directional signs along the way such as
"Evil Doctor's secret lair 7 mi.", "Evil Doctor's secret lair 6 mi.", "Before you hit that
groovy rave, don't forget to Burma Shave.", a new one to Krow, and the inevitable "Only
85,000 miles to Wall Drug!". 
	After taking the 5:45 Evil Doctor I-dont-think-so Ferry (to avoid the toll bridge)
Krow found himself on another beach. After stealthily parking in the "Evil Dr.
I-dont-think-so's All-Right Parking Lot" (and quite naturally, paying the attendant) Krow
brushed off his solid black twelve dollar suit and began to approach the enormous
Frankenstein-castle looking place that was the Mad Doctor I-dont-think-so's evil lair.
Although the sun on the beach was blazing brightly, there was a sinister air about the
madman's castle. 
	Krow pulled his gun from his shoulder holster and checked to his right, then to his
left. The ever watchful eye of Krow was as alert as ever, no one but no one could sneak
up on this hero.
	Predictably, someone tapped Krow on the shoulder at that very moment. Krow
spun around to see the most beautiful blonde bombshell he'd ever seen looming over him
wearing only a mini-bikini of gold, and a leather knife belt containing a (drumroll 2) knife.
"Whatcha doin' mister?"
	Krow responded without having to be told "I'm trying to break into that castle" [he
pointed to differentiate between it and any other enormous evil lair that might be hiding]
"to rescue a whole bus load of Elvis impersonators, and some other guys... I forget who."
	"Oh, you must be the hero of this story: South Dakota's favorite Sioux nationalist
who came to Shreveport, Louisiana to right wrongs and other lovably sanctimonious crap,
Trenton Krow." replied the raving beauty.
	Suddenly remembering the fact that this was, in fact,  intended to be a covert
mission,  Krow replied "Uh, no, actually I'm the gardener."
	"Well in that case-" and with that the girl pulled Krow behind a sand dune,
preventing any chance of the filmic adaptation of this story to get anything less than a
PG-13 rating.

	Seventy-eight seconds later, Krow and the girl (Ursula, or so she said) raced up
toward the portcullis of the evil looking (save for the lovely petunia meadow out front)
castle to storm it and rescue the hostages. 
	As they reached the gate two menacing looking guards put guns in the faces of
Trenton, and sweet Ursula. "Let's see some ID, boy.", said one of the ruffians.
	Krow gave the guy a surly look back and said, "ID? Don't you know who I am?"
	The guards immediately sprung to attention "Sorry sir!", they said in unison and let
the two pass.
	"Who'd they think you were?" Ursula asked in a sweet, yet assertive voice.
	"Haven't the foggiest." said Krow in a sweet, yet assertive voice. "Not bad for an
Irishman, huh?"
	"You're Irish?"
	"Krow is an Irish name?"
	"I was adopted!"
	Suddenly Krow was conked over the head and fell into a deep sleep, not unlike the
one Chevy Chase has been in since 1990.

	Considerably more than seventy-eight seconds later, Krow awoke to find himself
chained to a post and in the presence of all of his greatest enemies (except Teddy
	"Nice of you to join us, Krow!" said the evil Dr. I-dont-think-so "The party starts
	"I'm sorry Krow," came Ursula's voice "my brother's an Elvis and they said that if I
didn't trap you they'd kill him."
	"S'okay," replied Krow, "I will survive like Gloria Gaynor."
	The meaning was missed.
	"Good to have you in our clutches, hated enema." said Tinfinger.
	"Enemy." corrected Seinfeld.
	"Finally," said the evil Molars, "I can pay you back for all the injustices I  suffered
at your hands when you were the leader of the Sioux Motivated Organization for Killing
	"S.M.O.K.E.?", asked PoorJob.
	"No thanks," replied Molars, "I'm trying to cut down."
	"Now, that I have you Krow," started I-dont-think-so, "I need to go ahead and tell
you my plan... I mean it is in the rule book. Politicians, and Vegas entertainers are only the
tip of the iceberg." He walked over and applied a pink feathery coat (a la Liberace) to his
frame. "My compadres, whom I believe you know, and I have created the dread Bad Taste
Missile. It will go off over the major cities of earth and everyone will choose polyester."
	"No!" screamed Krow.
	"Yes," replied I-dont-think-so, "True it is a mere variation on the Nude Bomb, but
give the author a break."
	"Right." replied the entire company.
	"Once this occurs an Elvis politician will be welcome at the head of every state and
we, the evil, will rule the world."
	"Oh, global domination, how cliché." Krow mocked.
	"For that outrage, you will die." Dr. I-dont-think-so promised. "But then I'm
killing you anyway, so what the hell.... BEHOLD: the Bad Taste Missile!"
	Over Krow's head the ceiling began to open and a great big phallic dayglow yellow
and green paisley missile loomed above him like a like a bad review. 
	"We will rule the world and you will get burned up like a neglected chicken
McNugget in a vat of grease." the all too descriptive (and mad) Dr. I-dont-think-so
	And with that Dr. I-dont-think-so, PoorJob, Molars, Jerry Seinfeld, and someone
who looked alot like Newt Gingrich with slick hair and a rhinestone cape exited the blast
shielded room with Ursula in tow.
	Krow had figured out by this point that this was, in fact, a James Bond spoof and
that soon the love interest of the story would find religion and come free him, and the after
some gratuitous sex the credits'd roll. Krow knew this. Krow was savvy.
	Suddenly his cuffs were removed from behind and Krow was faced with none
other than... the evil Molars. 
	"Krow," Molars said, "I've suddenly found religion and realized that I had to save
you." He swallowed hard, wiped a tear away and continued, "I'm in love with you, Krow,
you're so savvy! Let's leave this place, free the hostages, and then, after some gratuitous
sex, we'll watch the credits roll."
	Krow didn't hear the last part as he was busy trying to re-cuff himself under the
missile blast.
	"Oh, you!" said Molars, and he dragged him away.

	A flood of Elvises and lesser beings emerged from the castle. Krow held Ursula in
his arms and together they watched as the hostages all made it to the ferry once again. 
	Molars approached.
	"Now Molars-", started Krow.
	"Say nothing, Krow, I want your happiness and if this.... slut... can give it to you
then how can I stand in the way."
	"Well that’s... very big of you, uh, dude. But what about the Bad Taste Missile?"
Krow demanded of his new friend.
	"Oh," said Ursula "I left the release clamps on to punish the bad guys. The damn
thing can’t take off!”
	"Oh, well in that case, RUN!” shouted Krow as his suit was replaced by a
Hawaiian shirt with tweed pants.
	None of the politicians were altered in any way, but the Elvises did look a little

	Trenton Krow will return in "TK2 Judgment Day". (Or not depending on the
response this thing gets.)



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